I am an addict

I'm an addict and my name is Becci. I know that I am one of many people out there writing about addiction, but it's my wish to write about my addiction only as it pertains to my recovery. I want to share my experience, strength and hope with the still suffering addict in order to carry the message of hope and the promise of freedom. Today I'll begin by sharing my story in hopes that somebody somewhere will be able to relate and as a result of hearing my experience, find something they need to help them in recovery today.

My story starts on a day in October, 1983. I was born at home to newly married parents, both in their early twenties. My mom was a Registered Nurse and my dad was an engineer for Lockheed Martin. Both of my parents are highly intelligent and successful people and right away, instilled in me a drive to excel, to be above average, to be smarter, stronger, better. I can remember very early on in life the feelings of silent, inward pressure to be the best.

The first thing I remember happening that impacted me in a profound way was the divorce of my parents. I was a daddy's girl in every essence of the term and had to constantly be with my dad and do everything my dad did. I looked up to him...he was my world. My father had a year-long affair with a woman 23 years older than he was and when his indiscretion finally came out in the open, he informed my mom that rather than trying to work it out, he simply wanted a divorce. The very next morning, we found ourselves on a plane bound for Canada where my mom's mother and step-father lived at the time. By now, I was four years old and had a sister who was two and my mom was also pregnant with my brother-three weeks away from her due date. 

We moved around a lot in the months that proceeded the divorce. We were very poor in those times. My dad was not paying child support and back then, nurses did not make anywhere near the kind of income they make today. With how difficult times were for us back then, it's easy to see how we found ourselves so ecstatic when my mom met somebody new and was married shortly afterward. 

We made our home in Alaska and for the time being, things seemed to be really great. Since my dad was not involved in my life, my brother, sister and I started calling our new step-dad "daddy" and he became the only father we knew. In fact, my little brother had never even met my father. Soon though, my mom gave birth to a new little sister and things began to change. My step-dad showered her with attention and began to treat my siblings and me differently. It wasn't long before he became very abusive. There was physical abuse: hitting, punching, poking and kicking and even worse, a great deal of emotional abuse. 

I can remember by the age of eight, having a very low opinion of myself and feeling so helpless all the time. I subsequently began to learn a lot of behaviors that I believed helped to shape my addiction. I was learning how to SURVIVE and by the time I was about ten years old, I was a skilled liar and manipulator and isolated myself much of the time. My first addiction was boys and by the time I was in junior high, I was using them to fill the void I felt in my life. 

My senior year of high school, I ended out meeting a boy I fell in love with. I felt he was perfect for me because he showered me with attention and made me feel happy. He was heavily into drugs and a compulsive liar, but I didn't care. I thought things would be fine because we were in love and in my mind, love can conquer anything. Against my parents' wishes and strong suggestions, I married him at the age of 18, just months after graduating from high school. A few years later, we had our son and I thought life could not be more perfect. My world revolved around my little family and I felt that was all I needed to be complete so when I discovered my husband was having an affair, all I knew to be true and solid in my life fell apart. To make matters worse, when the affair came to light, he told me he wanted a divorce. I had been determined that what happened to my mother's marriage would not happen to mine, and yet, there I was. I didn't realize at the time that I was so addicted to him, the divorce would subsequently set in motion a chain reaction that would last years and leave me completely devastated. 

I was one of those few kids who never tried drugs or alcohol growing up. My mother had always warned me there was a history of addiction in our family and she strongly cautioned me against use of substances, stressing that I might become addicted with only one use. I always believed her and didn't feel I wanted to risk it, just in case addiction might be genetic for me. I remember one night, a few months after my marriage had broken up, I was about to get off work and a coworker asked me to go out to the bar. I'd never been to a bar before and I had no interest in going out. I was depressed and I wanted to isolate. I refused several times, but finally caved after a lot of persuading. I agreed to "just an hour" of fun, saying I needed to get home to my son. 

That night I had my very first ever drink of alcohol. I did not stop. I did not look back. I drank until I became very intoxicated and was unable to drive home. I went home from the bar with a guy I'd met there that night. I lost my car keys. I missed work the next day. You'd think I would have said, "I'm not doing that again," but no, not me. I was ready to go again the next night. I realized that when I drank, I could become another person, the person I wanted to be. She was confident, funny, outgoing and the life of the party. People liked me and I sure thought they couldn't like me if I was myself. I finally had found a way to fit in. The next several months were a blur as I drank away my life, my job, my house and my relationship with my family. My mother had to start keeping my son full time because I was unable to function as a mom. I finally got to the point where I had my mother threatening to take custody of my son. That was the first thing that kind of scared me into attempting to make a change. But instead of trying to get help, I decided the best thing to do would be to run away. I could think of no better way to do that than joining the Army, so I did. I went down to talk to a recruiter and less than three weeks later, I shipped out to basic training. 

The Army did a lot of good for me in many ways because I learned a great deal of respect and responsibility. I became very successful and quite well off. I had never imagined having the kind of life style or money I had by the time I was only 25 years old. In my mind, I had MADE IT! Life was good. Then I deployed to Iraq.

I had to leave my son behind with my mom while I was overseas. The deployment wreaked havoc on me in many ways. It decimated me emotionally and told quite a physical toll as well. I saw things I would wish on nobody, experienced horrors I wish I could get out of my head. Then near the end of the deployment, I was badly injured in an accident and soon found myself being discharged due to my injuries. I was devastated. The Army had become my life and I did not know what to do when it was ripped away from me. As if that was not enough, a few weeks before my discharge, I was raped by two soldiers. They wore masks. They knocked me unconscious. I reported the incident and was told it was my fault. I became more depressed than I'd ever been before in my life, I became withdrawn. I became suicidal. I was heartbroken in every sense. 

After being discharged, I found myself in Colorado, attempting to start over close to family. My mom had moved there a few years before and I thought it made sense to move close to her. Being new in town and not knowing anybody was very lonely for me. I had gotten myself into yet another of my many abusive relationships and was very unhappy. He also, had been a heavy drug user so in the thick of my depression and self pity, when he asked if I wanted to try some drugs, for the first time in my life, I thought, "why not?" So I did it. I did a lot of it. I loved it. Again, I was transformed into that girl I wanted to be and everybody loved me. I felt I could be myself. 

Over the next four years, my drug use became heavier and heavier and I was using multiple substances in large amounts on a daily basis. I just wanted more and I wanted to be high. It was all I lived for. Somehow, through all my use, I was able to hold down my job, pay my bills and keep up appearances but I had no idea of the storm that was coming: I got introduced to heroin and my whole world turned upside down. For the first time in my life, I realized that no matter how hard I tried, I could not kick this. I could not overcome the pain of the physical withdrawal I experienced every time I tried to stop. By the time I realized I had a problem, I was using needles and was simply unable to stop. I ended out losing everything and found myself participating in many illegal activities to obtain my drugs on a daily basis. I desperately needed help.

It was then that I found myself stumbling into a meeting of Narcotics Anonymous. Little did I know it would be the beginning of a life saving experience for me. When I walked into that room and introduced myself as an addict, I heard the most amazing words: welcome home. People hugged me, they told me to keep coming back. They told me they loved me. Love? Nobody loves me. How could it be possible? As I continued to stick around, I found their words to be completely true. 

I am an addict named Becci. My clean date is 12/02/2013. I owe my life to the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous and to the 12 steps. I do this today because my very life depends upon it.i do this today because I want to share my experience, strength and hope with the still suffering addict. I do this today in order to give back some of what was so freely given to me. I no longer am surviving-I'm LIVING today!

To the struggling addict, the lost person who feels they're drowning in their addiction: I love you! I know what it feels like to lose everything. I know how it feels to have no friends. I know how it feels to have your family hate you. I know how it feels to want to die. I have found that for each and every one of us, there is a seat in the rooms of NA. We have earned that seat by the pain and suffering of addiction and I'm here to tell you that you never, ever, ever, ever, EVER have to use again. We at NA don't care about what you used, how much you used, what you might have done in your past, what you have or don't have. All we care about is what you want to do about your addiction and how WE CAN HELP. 

Today, no addict needs to die from the horrors of addiction. Today, you too, can hear the words: welcome home. If you feel hopeless, you don't need to anymore! NA and the 12 steps can offer you freedom from active addiction and a new life! This way of life works!

I used to be a hopeless dope fiend...today I'm a dopeless hope fiend!