Embracing Faith

For most of my life, I think I was almost constantly running from fear. I was fearful of fear itself. I spent so much time trying to get away from that feeling and almost never could I escape it. A lot of my using stemmed from the fact that I was absolutely terrified of feeling pain of any kind and probably even more terrified of feeling or experiencing any kind of emotion. I was afraid of having contact with people because I didn't want to face the judgement I was so sure they would pass upon me. I was afraid of what they'd think of me and afraid for them to look down on me. I was afraid of the possibility that they might attempt to tell me something about myself. I was not able to handle truth of any kind.

In finding recovery, I began to see a wonderful truth I never knew before: my fear was being replaced by faith-faith in a power greater than myself, faith in what the 12 steps could do for me, faith in the strength and love found in other recovering addicts. As my faith has been cultivated and has spread through my life, I have found a deep belief that miracles DO happen and I have started to be able to clearly see miracles in my life often. I also began to realize the miracle of seeing myself in a different light for the first time. I have started to see myself in a new light, to LIKE myself, to understand that I have a heart and a spirit and that I WANT to develop and grow those as I learn to grow and change in recovery. I have seen myself begin to become a kinder, more considerate person; a person who looks to show love to others and brighten the world.

I have started to see spiritual principles grow in my life and those qualities have started to erase the fear in my life. I can see that with showing kindness and love to others, I do not have to fear their treatment of me! As I exercise patience, tolerance, understanding and compassion, I in turn, experience that from others.

I know without a single doubt that this goodness comes only from developing a relationship with a power greater than myself. I can allow my Higher Power to work through me. I am an instrument for spiritual principles if I allow myself to be that. Herein lies the beauty of the words, "We came to believe..." It implies a process, something that takes time and effort. As we put our effort into it, we see the results that time brings. I have seen it for myself. I have never been disappointed. Never. 

Today, I don't run from fear. No, today, I hold my head high in the faith of what life holds for me and the person I am becoming through my Higher Power working in my life. No matter what happens to me today, I am walking forward in faith and fear is now behind me.

Living Just For Today

Yesterday is the past, tomorrow is the future and today is a gift-that's why they call it the present. For me, the past has so often felt like a bad dream. There were things I did and things that happened to me that haunted me and I felt that getting clean would solve those things for me. I quickly discovered that getting clean is not an instant or quick fix for anything. Yes, it makes things get better but there is still a lot of work I need to do.

It took me days, months, years to do the damage I did and it is going to take time to repair that as well. What made me an addict wasn't the simple fact that I used drugs-it was my BEHAVIOR, the way I acted. I need to develop new habits and a new attitude, a new way of acting and thinking! This is essential in order for me to recover. This is where the 12 steps come in. They don't leave me in the same powerless position as I was when I first came into recovery. They are my tools and they empower me to be proactive about my life and begin making changes. The first three steps are about my spiritual path, steps four through seven are about my relationship with myself, eight nine and ten are about my relationship with other people, and the final two come full circle and bring me back to spirituality, cultivating my relationship with the God of my understanding and helping me to change my attitude by giving back and learning to love others.

The biggest thing that can hurt me in my recovery is me! I can be my best friend or my worst enemy-it all depends on what's going on inside me! When I am not feeling good inside, I tend to mirror that on the outside. When I feel like this, I need to be very careful because I'm at a crossroads where I can either do the next right thing or I can cause an enormous amount of harm. At any time, I can change my attitude. The steps give that power back to me. Today I HAVE CHOICES! I will have them as long as I don't use. Once I pick up that first drug, my choices are gone! But as long as I continue to stay clean, I can ALWAYS, ALWAYS choose the right thing. ALWAYS.

This is where living in the moment, in the NOW, living JUST FOR TODAY, really comes into play. I set myself up for failure when I try to live constantly fretting over the future; I sell myself short when I live in the past, always focusing on where and how I've messed up along the way. When I live just for today and in each moment, I can do much more for myself. I can slow down and be grateful for what I have and where I am, I can be transparent, I can let my heart out and show that side of myself to people. My relationship with my Higher Power has given me back some sanity and I catch little glimpses of it throughout my life, glimpses of the sanity being restored.

With the steps, I can get through the wreckage of my past. By living my recovery just for today, I can avoid making more problems for myself in the future. I can look for God's will and not my own, look to serve others instead of myself. I can become loving and kind and unselfish. In the light of recovery, I am able to see things just as they are. I can live in the moment. I can be thankful for this gift of a new reality I've been given today.